Did you know that the secret to a happy marriage is the same as the secret to happy kids? It's a simple ratio. John Gottman, a marriage researcher, found that a ratio of 5 positive interactions to each one negative interaction tipped the balance from a troubled relationship to a happy, healthy relationship. He called this the Magic Ratio.

You can apply this principle today with your child. Start by noticing your positive and negative interactions. Keep a chart on the fridge and make tally marks to help you keep track. Andrew Armstrong researched this ratio between parents and small children and found that his control group generally had a 1:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions with their young children.

Good parents often are more negative with their kids than they realize. The squeaky wheel gets the grease, right? So the behaviors that need to be "fixed" are the ones that get the attention from us. It comes much less naturally to continually notice the good.

​Few things can grate on a mom's nerves like constant fighting. You want your kids to be best friends with each other, to play well together, and to love each other, but you may be at a loss as to how to deal with the inevitable bickering.

The first step to dealing with a fight is to help your kids calm down. When emotions are running high, kids are not capable of problem solving. You may need to separate the children, not as a punishment, but as a break to help each one regain some equilibrium. Do you know what calms your children down? Is it being alone or cuddling with you? Do they feel better when they sit down with a book or doll or when they listen to music? Does it help them to have a comfort item? If you ask your children to take a break in their rooms, tell them what they can do ("You may sit in your beanbag and talk to your doll," or "You may play with your legos.")

When the emotions have settled, talk to each child individually about what happened. Have them put their feelings and the events into words, and help them notice what upset them. Reflect and affirm their emotions. ("That must have been really frustrating when your little brother knocked down the tower you worked so hard on.")

Does this sound familiar?

"Evan, put on your pajamas."

"Take off your pants and put on your pajamas."

​"Mommy, they're talking funny!"

"Why does she walk like that?"

"Why is his face brown?"

​Josie's (age 3) parents had been trying to teach her not to lie. They had been talking with her about lying, giving consequences for lying, and making a concerted effort to stop the behavior. One day Josie accidentally knocked over her milk. She quickly started cleaning it up, and said to her mother, "I don't know if this is a lie or not, but I spilled my milk."

Josie knew that a lie was something she shouldn't do…but she didn't understand what it was. Lying is a lot more complicated of a concept than adults tend to think. And even once a preschooler really understands the concept of true and not true, their brains aren't mature enough to always get it right.

Of course, we can still work with preschoolers to teach them to be honest. It's just that it's important to take a gentle teaching approach that is appropriate for their level of development. We'll give you some ways to teach preschoolers to tell the truth. But first…

As we enter again into the rhythm and routine of autumn, let’s visit the ever popular topic of the morning routine. What this is depends very much on the age of the child. All ages of children leading up to school age in general find security in a routine and don’t do well with surprises or sudden changes taking them out of their normal rhythm. Your preference may be to make a chart or a list or use a big calendar. There are many ways to communicate with your pre-reading child what will be done today. Regardless of your preferred manner, here are some principles to keep in mind:

KEEPING IT SIMPLE KEEPS IT CALM     When preparing a routine for your little one, simplicity is helpful. It’s tempting to get swept up in the whirlwind of organized scheduling. Before you know it the day is packed out with wonderful activities to tick off. This can quickly become overwhelming to a small person. It can easily result in “acting out” (what we fondly call a tantrum).

REVIEW THE NIGHT BEFORE     These little ones don’t have long memories. So take them through their routine verbally the night before and again when they’re ready to start their day the next morning.

“If you can't explain it to a six year old, you don't understand it yourself.” ― Albert Einstein

This is our task: To simplify the rules of living down to an age-appropriate level.

Keep things very simple. But not only for six year olds, Dr. Einstein; we’re reaching an even younger group here.

Three-year-old Jonathan would not go anywhere without wearing a hat. He called it his "helmet." One day, Kirby and Jonathan were out walking in the woods, and Jonathan realized that he had forgotten his helmet. He started to get panicky. Kirby quickly offered him the knit hat she was wearing because of the cold, and he calmed down.

After a while, Kirby asked him, "How do you like wearing my helmet?"

Jonathan replied, "I like it. It keeps me from falling down."

Do you have trouble getting your preschooler to cooperate? (That was a joke…of course you do—they're preschoolers!)

One simple change you can make--without much effort, without discussing parenting philosophy with your spouse, without brainstorming rewards or meting out punishments— can make a significant change in how cooperative your preschooler becomes.

And don't tell, but it will probably work on the adults in your life, too.

The development of the ability for delayed gratification can be done from an early age. Increasing one's attention span will eventually affect many aspects of life from saving money to controlling a temper or facing temptation to do the wrong thing. It is important to start at the beginning.

The fact is the younger the age, the shorter the attention span. Infants have needs that should be met immediately. They need to know that their needs will be taken care of and this is exactly where they should be at developmentally. Toddlers have enough ability to wait with distraction or accept help to accomplish the thing for which they're waiting. Preschoolers can be stretched to increase their ability to wait with some help.

If you're curious where your child's attention span is at, try this little test... Place a raisin or M&M under a cup making sure your child sees what you're doing. Then explain that they can pick up the cup and eat it AFTER you ring the bell. (You can do this with lunch food or anything you approve of but keep it small so they don't fill up too quickly.) For the first ringing of the bell, ring right away. On the second attempt, ring the bell after a few seconds' delay. With each subsequent ringing, lengthen the time by a little longer each turn to try to stretch them. Some children will be able to wait and some won't. If they cannot wait for the bell, still watch the clock and ring the bell anyway as they will have to wait for it on the next round. Don't get upset. This is just an area to work on. Sidenote: don't play this when they're really hungry but when they still want a little food, like at snack time.

Courage to change comes from grace not from shame.

There is a type of guilt that can be healthy. It is there when you learn right from wrong, what is helpful versus what is hurtful. The healthy type of guilt says, “What I chose to do hurt someone. I want to choose to help people, to be kind and loving. I don’t want to hurt people.” This is saying what I DID was wrong. This implies that change is possible, because I can change what I DO.

Shame is different. Shame wounds, drawing energy away from someone. It says, “Who I AM is wrong.” This implies that change is not possible, because if this is who I am as a person, I cannot change that. Shame does not have healing capabilities. It deflates a person like a prick in a balloon, slowly releasing the air from inside it. (For more on this see our previous post here.)

The holidays can give family a wonderful opportunity to share the deeper meaning behind these celebrations, whether it’s the birth of Christ at Christmas or the miracle of the light at Hanukkah. Hopefully the activities we introduce you to today can help get your kids to think beyond what they are receiving and get to a better perspective: this is a time to give gifts of love, which is a huge part of many holiday traditions.

Act It Out

Act out the story of the holiday using a set of unbreakable figurines such as a nativity set or menorah. Make sure every child has a part to play. One of the adults can read the story while the others act it out. This can be as long or short as you deem necessary depending on the age and attention span of the children. It is important that the children be involved in the story.

Contributing to the Family

Research that was done years ago came to show that cultures that allow children to participate in the normal activities of the home (e.g. tending to the goats, feeding the chickens) – that is, cultures that value the contribution of the children to the family – see a lot of success from these children in later years. They grow up to have a good work ethic, a higher sense of responsibility, hard-working practices, and a solid self-esteem.

Chores may be a thing of the past in many homes today. There are modern conveniences that one might hope would render chores obsolete – or that’s what the sales people suggest. Or the parents simply need to get things done in the limited amount of time they have in their busy schedules. And let’s face it, some in our generation may resent being made to do chores in our youth and do not wish to “put our kids through that”.

Materials:     

• Spray Bottle (the more whimsical, the better)
• Water + drop of mint oil or mouthwash

Anytime children need to be focused and giving attention one can whip out some Magic Listening Mist! This is a simple tool, easy to make, and very easy to apply.

As used by some kindergarten teachers, spraying a little scented mist into the air at the appropriate time can be a way of triggering little imaginations and therefore producing more attention. Beware of overuse or use when not needed as some of the magic slips away under these circumstances. However, when instructions are being given for the next task at hand, this little item can be very useful.

When children have problems, parents often focus on the negative. Constantly focusing upon the faults of our children can cause great pain and can damage their self-esteem. In addition, being critical often hurts our relationships with those we criticize. How do we stop?

It does very little good to concentrate all of our efforts on not doing something we want to stop.

The most effective way to change is to concentrate on doing the opposite good in place of the bad.

Have you given up on your New Year's resolution already? Here are three rules for you and your children as you attempt growth and development together.

Rule 1: Break it down into doable steps.

The Montessori model is an excellent example of this. 

People are born with certain temperaments. These temperaments do not necessarily define the person. And we can all be helped in stretching ourselves beyond our own boundaries. Not to be as rigid as we might like.

Some are introverts. Some are extroverts. And everything in between. One definition of an introvert is a person who uses or loses energy around a group of people. And one definition of an extrovert is a person who gets energy out of groups of people.

Every human being can function well within a variety of situations. Most people fall somewhere in the middle of this introversion-extroversion spectrum. Preferred activity types can be indicators of a child's temperament. Very introverted children who have not practiced social skills can be quiet and withdrawn. These children need to be encouraged to learn to enjoy social movement and to be healthy in that way. Very extroverted children need to learn that there are times when being alone is necessary and good. Socially active children need to learn quieter activities such as reading and drawing. Socially withdrawn children need to learn more social activities such as conversation and play.